Movie ratings as a euphemism

Baseball has been a popular metaphor for sex for at least the last 60 years, particularly among adolescents according to Wikipedia. I’m sure we all know of at least one reference in popular culture to the “base” system. Everybody learns what the bases mean at some point. But the system is old, and could use a modern twist.

It’s time to retire the “base” system in favour of something more in tune with today’s pop culture… movies! I’m going to follow the Canadian Home Video Rating System, because, well, I’m Canadian, and nearly everything is rated-R in the American system. This Film Is Not Yet Rated has revealed just how worthless those MPAA ratings really are.

General (G)
AKA first base, is pretty much limited to snogging.

Parental Guidance (PG)
AKA second base. The hands are all over each others bodies, including the breasts and genital areas. The old school definition of second base kept the clothes on, but that doesn’t reflect the modern reality — her shirt and bra’s coming off. Uncovered breasts aren’t considered as special as they once were; it’s perfectly legal for a woman to go topless in public in many jurisdictions.

14A
AKA third base; this is where things start getting good. The underwear’s off and foreplay is really heating up with manual stimulation and oral sex. If you’re scratching your head thinking ‘fourteen year olds shouldn’t be doing that!’, the legal age of consent in Canada is fourteen! And guess what, they’re doing a lot more than oral sex. If that’s not enough for you, you may recall that the recent sleeper hit movie about a teen aged girl who has sex and gets pregnant was only rated 14A.

18A
AKA home run, getting laid, fucking each other’s brains out, making love or plain old having sex. Enough said.

Restricted (R)
If 18A is sex, what’s left? Kinky shit, that’s what. It’s almost impossible for a movie to get rated “R” in Canada, but random kinky sex acts on the DVD release have been known to do it. For our American friends, the Canadian “R” rating is fairly rare like NC-17, except it’s not the result of the film industry trying to kill a movie.

Next time your friends are asking how far you went with that cute guy or girl you’ve just started seeing, just give ’em the rating. They’ll get it.

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